My cat gives me a boner
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
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