Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
