Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
