I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
