god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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