Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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