I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
