Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Less talking, more tequila
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
