Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
