I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Someone came in the potted fern
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
