Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
