Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
