I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
