I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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