I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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