Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Randomize
