Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
