Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
