2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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