Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
