dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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