1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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