She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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