Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
