I'm so fucking centered right now
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
