I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
