when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
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They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
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The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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