So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
