hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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