i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
