Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
