rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
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Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
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Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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