Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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