I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
