whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
