He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Randomize
