I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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