we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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