oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Randomize
