I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Randomize
