Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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