I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
