Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Randomize
