today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
