i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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