In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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