You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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