hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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