i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
