There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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