at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
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