Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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