She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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