I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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