you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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