You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
