The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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