If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
