I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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