peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
